The Insider Guide to PDA {Book Review}

This is a detailed review of The Insider Guide to PDA, a new book about Pathological Demand Avoidance written by two PDA adults. I've been looking forward to reading this because it's an opportunity to hear insights directly from individuals who are kindly sharing their own experiences and beliefs about PDA in order to help others in the PDA community. I think this book will be especially helpful for parents, PDA adults, educators, and professionals who want to move beyond behaviour-based approaches.

(The pictures and underlined book titles contain Amazon affiliate links)

Sally Cat is a UK-based artist, presenter and author who has already published four books - PDA by PDAers, Pathological Demand Avoidance Explained, Sleep Misfits, and Calendar Girl. Brook Madera is an American writer who founded a non-profit named PDA USA and runs two Facebook groups - No Pressure PDA and PDA USA: Pathological Demand Avoidance. They have written The Insider Guide to PDA together.

Linda Murphy, author of The Delarative Language Handbook, kicks this book off with a glowing foreword and in the introduction that follows, Brook and Sally Cat make it clear that their intention when writing the book was to share their own lived experiences as PDA adults who have PDA children of their own, alongside those of many other parents they have interacted with. Their goal is to help others:

With awareness and support, we can achieve great things. This is why it’s so important to recognize PDA in all its forms and understand how to support it, because support put in place at an earlier stage can prevent PDA people from sinking.

The use of identity-first or person-first language is discussed in a clear and thoughtful manner as part of this introduction - should we be saying “PDA person” or a “person with PDA”?

Following this there are ten main chapters; the first half of the book covers aspects such as what PDA is, internalised and externalised PDA, adrenal defense strategies, co-ocurring conditions and the positives of PDA.

The second half of the book looks at different ages and stages, from Babyhood and Toddlerhood to Childhood, Adolescence and then Adulthood, and the final chapter is titled 'Effective Strategies and Interventions'.

Chapter 1 - What is PDA?

This first chapter sets the scene by introducing the author's beliefs about the main characteristics of PDA, referring to them as a 'cluster of traits':

•“pathological” demand avoidance
• high anxiety
• high personal control need
• social naivety, sometimes described as shallow social understanding
• interest in people (which may become obsessive)
• fondness of novelty
• strong, changeable emotions
• role play/social creativity
• being drawn to fantasy and role play
• not bound by social hierarchy

Each of these traits is then explored in detail from an insider's point of view. There are lots of personal examples, such as those given in this paragraph:

Another key feature of our PDA-type avoidance is that it attaches directly to the perception of a demand. The intensity of our drive to avoid can decrease if expectations around fulfilling the demand are lessened. If it’s reframed as something we don’t have to do, we’ll feel less pressure to avoid it. 

As an example, if a loved one has told us that they really want us to go to the beach, our PDA brain is almost guaranteed to go into high avoidance alert and veto the idea. But if our loved one communicates that it’s OK if we don’t go too, our triggered avoidance is less.

Internalised PDA and Stress responses

Next comes a very informative and important chapter about internalised and externalised PDA, with masking and situational mutism also touched upon. This is followed by a chapter which suggests that we look closely at the ways in which PDAers act and react, looking for triggers so that we can help build good relationships. The stress responses of Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop, fib, funster, fantasy, forget and flood are explained, and personal examples of each are shared. Adrenal defences, masking and polyvagal theory are also explored.

This section is rounded up with two comprehensive chapters, one containing lots of information about related and co-occurring conditions, from ADHD, ARFID and OCD to Separation Anxiety, ODD, PANS and PANDAS and more, and the other considering all the positive qualities of PDAers.

Babyhood and Toddlerhood, Childhood, Adolescence and Adulthood

These chapters discuss different developmental stages in more detail. There are several examples from both the authors and from other parents in here and I related to many of the situations and reactions that were mentioned. School issues, mental health challenges and relationships are also covered within this second half of the book, reminding me of some of the experiences I shared in our book, PDA in the Family.

Chapter 10 - 'Effective Strategies and Interventions'

This chapter offers suggestions for standard accommodations, therapies, medication and nutritional supplements and allergies. Brook and Sally Cat introduce their “DANCER” acronym for remembering strategies that have been proven successful: Deflection, Anxiety reduction, Negotiation, Candor, Empathy and Reducing demands. There's also a very helpful conclusion to this section:

It might help to think of these individual PDA strategies as playing cards that can be laid down singly or in combination, depending on the situation. For example, if a PDA child is burnt out from demand overload, reducing demands might be the most appropriate strategy. If, on the other hand, a panicked PDA child has started fibbing, it might be better to combine empathy, anxiety reduction, and negotiation to defuse their dysregulation. If a desired task is tackling triggering, implementing humor or role play might make the task feel less threatening.

The authors talk about low demand parenting, Dr Ross Greene and Declarative Language with examples before touching on the pros and cons of other options such as therapy, medication and nutritional supplements.

The main body of the book runs up to 156 pages, with information about alternatives to mainstream Schooling in the USA, a glossary and references at the end. The Insider Guide to PDA gently lifts the lid on what’s really happening beneath the surface, giving families the words, understanding and reassurance so many of us have been searching for. With their understanding and wisdom, Sally Cat and Brook Madera lead us towards a calmer, more connected way of seeing PDA that truly honours the PDA community and helps with relationships. It’s one of those books that makes you feel less alone, more hopeful, and quietly confident that a kinder, more affirming path is not only possible, but already within reach.

My thoughts

I think this is my new favourite book about PDA. It's a very balanced, insightful look at what we know so far, sharing examples of how PDA feels and how we can help as parents, or as educators and health professionals. There often tends to be some stereotypes repeated when people talk about PDAers, but the truth is that there are definitely complex individual differences, but with a common thread that binds the community together. Brook and Sally Cat have successfully explored all of these factors and helped explain them in a clear, no-nonsense manner.

On the PDA Insiders website I found this great quote that I think sums up PDA perfectly:

"PDA-style avoidance is an innate, automatic drive to resist demands of any kind—even those that would clearly make life easier."

The Insider Guide to PDA is available now from Jessica Kingsley Publishers, and STEPDA20 is a code for 20% off for readers of the Steph's Two Girls blog. Find it here: The Insider Guide to PDA

Also available from Amazon: The Insider Guide to PDA