I’ve always found that the best books about neurodiversity are the ones that make you feel less alone, and James Hunt’s new book, Love Needs No Words, does exactly that. As a father to two autistic, non-speaking boys, James shares the reality of SEND parenting with a level of honesty that is both refreshing and deeply moving.
I've known James for years, from the early days of when he first started writing about his experiences and in a similar way to what happened with my blogging, through sharing he found support and a community that made him feel less alone.
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If you follow the Stories About Autism community online (find it here on Facebook: Stories About Autism and there's also Stories About Autism on Instagram), you’ll already know how wonderful James is at sharing the highs and lows of life with his sons. In this book he expands on those experiences, offering more detail about his parenting journey so far. The book begins with a chapter for each of his boys and how their diagnoses unfolded, and those are followed by a further 17 chapters. There was so much in every one of those chapters that I related to - despite our children being different in some ways, we (and many others I'm sure) have had much in common in terms of experiences, and our children's reactions.
So many aspects of SEND parenting are explored, with each chapter including examples of the challenges faced and achievements made along the way. Co-parenting, siblings and Christmas are covered, and James also writes about the boys' education pathway. Love Needs No Words is a chapter of its own that discusses different communication methods, and in it James explains how communication devices can be a bridge to progress and a way of opening the door to language and connection. A Noisy World looks at sensory differences and how they have affected each boy differently - reading James' opening to this chapter took me right back to attempts to take our younger daughter to birthday parties when she was little, and how she had struggled with the noise and excitement levels, but at the same time developed a fixation with balloons and presents that could quickly pose problems.
My copy of Love Needs No Words is now marked up with lots of post-it notes - there were so many paragraphs that jumped out at me and I wanted to share some with you to give an idea of James' honest and heartfelt writing. In a chapter titled Milestones and Inchstones, James talks about when the boys were young and how he started to move towards acceptance of their diagnoses and of the different life he would be living:
But the irony is, in the effort to be the best parent you can be, you can start losing the joy of parenting altogether. It stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like pressure. And the weight of that pressure is exhausting. In trying to chase the milestones, we were in danger of losing the moments that were happening before our eyes. You stop seeing the child in front of you and start seeing the gap. The gap between where they are and where you thought they were 'meant' to be.
In the next chapter, titled The Unwritten Rules, James' words are ones that I am sure will be felt keenly by lots of parents and carers of PDA children:
As with the ingrained milestones, those 'rules' don’t just vanish overnight. They cling to you. They're buried deep in the years of life experience you’ve had and the media you’ve consumed. They're built into every bit of advice you hear, every sideways glance from strangers, every well meaning comment from people who don’t live your life.
And learning to let go of them, really let go, means first seeing them for what they are.
You don’t get handed a rulebook when you become a parent but somehow you still end up carrying one anyway, deep inside. It’s stitched into every conversation you overhear. Every article you read. Every throwaway comment from friends, family and strangers in supermarket queues.
Children should sleep in their own beds. Children should eat at the table. Children should say please and thank you. Children should dress appropriately for the weather. Children should sit still and pay attention. Children should behave a certain way in public.
It’s not easy, unlearning the narrative you’ve been told all your life about what a good parent looks like. It’s not easy feeling judged or misunderstood, knowing people think you’re 'letting them get away with it' when you’re actually fighting for their dignity. But little by little, the discomfort started to fade and was replaced by something stronger: a deeper understanding of my children than I knew was possible and a pride in who they are.
Because once you stop trying to force your child to meet the world’s expectations and start meeting them where they are, everything changes. You stop worrying so much about what other people think and you start focusing on what really matters most: your child.
Choosing to believe Tommy when he says he’s not cold and refuses to wear more clothes, even when it’s freezing outside. Choosing to respect Jude‘s autonomy when he refuses to walk into a room, even when it looks fine to me. Choosing to respect their sensory needs, even when the world tells me to 'toughen them up'. Choosing to trust that my boys know their bodies and their needs better than anyone else.In A Noisy World, James writes:
For me, that’s what 'picking battles' actually looks like. It’s asking different questions. Not 'how do I make them fit in?' But 'how do I make sure they are respected, supported and safe?' Not 'how do I get them to do what everyone else is doing?' but 'how do I help them thrive on their own terms?'
I once thought that being a good parent was about helping shape my boys to fit the world. Now I know it’s about creating a life that fits them and that works for our family. It’s not about sitting quietly at the dinner table, getting dressed quickly in the morning or saying the right thing at the right time. It’s about feeling safe, feeling understood, knowing that they don’t have to be someone they’re not just to be loved.
Sensory differences aren’t just about feeling things a little more or a little less, although that is a part of it. Some autistic people are hypersensitive, meaning their senses are turned up so loud that every day things can feel overwhelming or even painful. Others are hyposensitive, meaning their senses are dialled down, and they seek out more input just to feel grounded. And sometimes, the same person can swing between both, craving noise and movement one minute, shutting down from it the next. It’s not predictable. It’s not deliberate. It’s just how their nervous system processes the world.
The chapter When Your World Shrinks was a pretty poignant one for me. "We started living in a world that looked so different to the one our friends were in, it was hard to know how to bridge the gap." James writes about how it ends up being a choice to keep your children calm and safe, but it leads to a kind of isolation that is not what you wanted from life. "Eventually, we stopped going to parks with Jude. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy them, some of our happiest moments have been out in parks, they simply became too overwhelming and unpredictable. It felt like we were trying to squeeze into places that were never built with our family in mind, surrounded by people who didn't understand. So we withdrew. Bit by bit. Not out of choice but out of necessity."
In 'Carer, Son, Dad', James opens up a little more about his experiences of also being a carer for his parents. He acknowledges the challenges without writing in a way intended to draw sympathy; just the honest truth. And he has words of wisdom for all other SEND parents and carers:
This life can be full of happiness and full of hard moments. Caring can be challenging, exhausting and the most rewarding, fulfilling thing I’ll ever do. I can want to do it all and still need help. I can love my boys with every part of me and still need a break.
We’re not meant to do this alone. There are thousands of families out there just like mine. Just like yours. We need support. We need community. We need people who understand the realities of this life, not just the pretty parts we manage to post online on the better days. We need a way to care for ourselves without feeling like we’ve let anyone down.
Love Needs No Words is the kind of book that offers instant solidarity, reminding us that while our paths are unique, the emotions we navigate are shared by so many others in the SEND Community. It's great for parents (but I recommend preparing a box of tissues for the 'journey') and I hope this book will also be read by anyone who cares for or works with autistic children.
This Bestseller is available now from Amazon: Love Needs No Words. Also available in audiobook format, with James having recorded the audio: Love Needs No Words Audiobook.
James has created a real-life community in the town of Burnham-on-Crouch, where his fab shop selling uplifting, neurodiversity-affirming clothing and accessories can be found. It's now a community hub and also has a calming sensory room! The reach of this venture goes much further than one town. Check out their social media pages: Facebook SAA Clothing and Instagram s.a.a.clothing
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| Me with Charlotte, the boys' mum, who, along with other awesome SEND mums, also works hard on the SAA Clothing venture. She shares her thoughts on her page Twins, tides and autism vibes |
For my recommendations of more books written by parents and carers who are sharing their experiences, please see my post where I review these shown above:
Life Stories Written by Remarkable Women {Book Reviews}
There are lots more book reviews on my blog too, covering various aspects of autism, PDA, ADHD, ARFID and school issues. Find them here: Steph's Two Girls Book Reviews
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